knock on our door.

Taken in the Mission District of San Francisco

This is a repost. I've decided to put this back up, but know that it is simply me living in tension. I'm not professing, declaring or asserting anything other than the fact that I'm learning how to live generously with wisdom. Note doing this is costly at times, but this is a price Zach and I are willing to pay.

As many of you know Zach and I relocated to North Carolina a year ago. Have you ever tried to tell a realtor that you DON'T want to live in the nicest area, and actually prefer to live in the areas that most people avoid. Well, God led us to this house, not her. Ask me about it another day. That said, we actually thought we ended up in a "nicer" area per the reports of the previous owners. However, since the economic downfall there has been nothing but break-in after break-in, random people knocking on doors telling crazy stories, and real people telling quite possibly real stories. Here is where I've been jaded since moving out East. I'm on the threshold letting fear absorb my desire for generosity.

I don't think I blogged about the questions that these experiences have raised in me these past few months, that is, being victims of a break-in once, then a second attempt, being approached by a woman seemingly in need, helping her out, then her coming to our door at midnight, and then a new visitor tonight (last week). A young white male comes to our door at 1am needing a ride to Raleigh for what sounds like good reason. What in the world, do we have a sign that says..."Come and knock on my door" (Name that TV show theme song).

Where do I begin?

1.) I've been jaded by technology. As a member of our community list-serv I hear too much about what is going on in our neighborhood, including someone shining a light in a gal's window at 2am in the morning. Yes, she's our age (younger), lives alone, and yes, this was only 3 blocks away. So, as you can tell, I'm a little on edge.

2.) But the life we have chosen is costly (at times). And in this tension I'm reminded of this word, this ideal, this hope, this purpose that I live for, SHALOM (on earth as it is in heaven). That all would be made right, that all would be whole again (to put it in the most simplest terms). You've perhaps read my previous post(s) on Jeremiah 29 and seeking the shalom of the city or Isaiah 58. How am I seeking the shalom when I tell Zach to shut the door and send the young man on his way? Zach was ready to take him to Raleigh (despite being pulled out of his REM sleep). Bogus story or not, I'm talking about deeper tensions, not the practicalities of this particular situation.

3.) Alas, here I am. Bummed. Did I ask Zach to turn a man away who needed help. What about all those other men who knock on doors solely to case a house or get quick money. But really, who knocks on a door at 1am? Perhaps someone who really needed help, that's who.

Back to my statement, do we have a sign that says, "come and knock on my door"? I'd surely hope so - be it visual or spiritual! Our house is a place of peace, we long to be people of peace opening our doors to those in need, not just entertaining, but offering hospitality. If you were at our wedding, you heard the scripture.

This was one of 2 wedding scriptures we intentionally had spoken at our wedding and into our marriage. This is the home I long to create. I refuse to be muffled by fear, but must at the same times be wise I understand this. Pray for us. Pray we would be people of love, hope, patience, prayer, hospitality, blessing, comfort, peace, humility, and PEACE in this neighborhood.

~seeking shalom.

come and knock on my door.

I've deleted this post. 
1.) I'm not ready to handle people's comments without a proper face to face discussion so as not to be misunderstood on either side. 
2.) I think the internal conflict I was trying to convey might have been missed. 
Instead I'll simply post the passage and truth we seek for our family, marriage and household. 


A reading from the book of Romans:
9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

~peace.

here but not yet.

The Tension of our Milieu - Living the Kingdom Life Style in the Not-Yet Kingdom.

This was the first line of a rant of musings I scribbled down one day last year, I believe. I’ve edited it to correspond with my thoughts of today, the values I am wrestling with. Here goes, thoughts welcome.

Our environment that we live in, our milieu is one of privilege and access. It is one of choice. We have the choice to engage or not to engage.

"We have it so good, I've often said, which is true, but I always meant it in the material/physical sense. This is true. Or so I thought? What is the so good implying - wealth, security, or Gospel? That is for you to answer. Could those with little wealth and fleeting security have it better? Maybe they have the secret to the deepest joy. A joy that has been muted by success, technology, and “things” in our nation.

I will be the first to admit. I struggle. So much of me wants wants wants...comfort, security and nice things. Although, a year later I will say my wanting has subsided some, and I thank God for this. I want a beautiful house with timeless antiques, I want healthy children, I want financial security, I want good health care, I want good food, I want a different body...whatever, I want. I want comfort. Father Ben Beltran of Manila said it best, Jesus came to "afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted."

But why?

Isn't it ironic that when we spend our lives of behalf of the poor and marginalized...THEN we will be like a well-watered garden, then we will know God, then we will prosper. (Isa. 58, Jer. 22, and 29)

What about leftovers. I'm so prone to give my leftovers, keeping for me what is good and the crème of the crop if you will. For fear that if I give the good stuff...I'll be unsatisfied. Is that truth? Isn't it better to give than to receive?

It isn't wrong to want beautiful things. My fear is that my pursuit of beautiful things will supersede my pursuit of living the kingdom life.

The crème of the crop will come, the good stuff with come...the nice things will come - when we give of ourselves when we satisfy the needs of the hungry. And who knows in that process my idea of what is good, beautiful, and comfortable or 'nice' just might be transformed. I will stop lest I sound like a prosperity gospel.

I've been told what is beautiful and prosperous...infiltrated by the media of what is good and satisfying; inundated with images of beauty and success. What is beauty? That is the question. Is it a life that is like a well-watered garden? What is success? “Success is being faithful,” said J. Fanous.

I'm wrestling. I'm okay with no answers. This is the tension we are always going to be living in. The tension of the now but not yet kingdom. (For more on this check out Kingdom Come by Allen Wakabayashi)

We're exiles. God has brought us here. He says build and live, plant and eat, marry and reproduce. There is a command...but there is also the insinuation of provision. Like God is saying build and enjoy, plant and enjoy, marry and enjoy. And he adds, seek the shalom of the city!

We must remember to ENJOY. Isn’t it about enjoying God and enjoying others? The others are people God places before us. Enjoy them. I think I could do better at building, planting, and seeking shalom in this new place called Durham, North Carolina.

~sifting.

exile.

We don't know where we're going, but we know where we are. Above is a photo from our trip across country. I think this is somewhere between New Mexico and Texas.

Below is a snipit of a scripture I've been thinking about a lot lately. More reflections to come on it later.

We're building, we're planting, and some day reproducing...we're seeking the shalom of the city.

~Name that scripture!

words.

I've been thinking a lot this summer about what comes of out of my mouth. I'm known in my OT program for having no filter. I have this way of just saying or asking whatever comes to mind, seldom with malicious intent, rather mere curiosity. This is not necessarily a bad thing. However, there are those times when I can say a piercing word to those I love. Recently I saw what it looks like to hold your tongue, to think before you speak. It was unique and inspiring. Don't get me wrong, she had a mind and she had opinions, but she chose wisely when and how to share them. I'm not saying I don't believe in "free speech", but what is "free" speech? Freedom to say what we want? Yes, to some that is exactly it, and of course this is a thought upheld by our founding fathers. But my husband challenged me in church today with his sermon. To sum it up in just a few sentences (without giving his sermon full credit)...

He drew us into the near end of Ephesians (the end of 4 to 5:2, not fair right, as there is so much to Ephesians). Here Paul comes in with a BANG about how we should live, but it is preceded by Paul reminding us who God is, the radical work Jesus had done culturally and spiritually, and God's deep and profound love for us. And because of this, we respond to God, and Paul gives us some helpful hints as to what that response can look like.

One of those suggestions, if you can call it that was to 'not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building of others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen' (v.29). There were other suggestions, but this one stuck out to me. He challenged us, what if we only spoke words that built one another up? What if we just tried for a day? Could we do it? What would our relationships look like? What would our heart look like?

But the point is this, we don't just do these things to do them or to "be right", we do them our of our response to God's love toward us - out of God's initiation with us - out of an intimate knowledge of our Lord. The beginning of the story is with God's love, the rest is in our response to that love. This is where the freedom comes in. We are truly freed when we can love one another, give to one another, speak to one another, forgive one another without needing anything in return - attention, forgiveness, kudos, gifts, etc... How freeing to know that God can take care of all of that, our anger, our sadness, our pain, our needs.

So, I don't just want to speak a language that only builds up, I want to have a heart that is filled with the love of God so much that it over flows sweet words out of my mouth, words that bless not curse. ~ building up

becoming.

I wrote this piece two years ago, but I similar thoughts are resurrecting at this time in my life and felt the need to post it. Ironically, Zach's first sermon this summer was on this very Mark passage. ~ enjoy 

Becoming: [bi-kuhm-ing] 
1. Any process of change 
2. To grow or come to be 
 
Becoming. 
He also said, ‘This is what the Kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night 
and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know 
how.  All by itself the soil produces grain – first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the 
head. As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.’ Mark 
4:26-29 
 
Like the seed we are becoming. We are in the process of growth, change. I am coming to be; 
becoming.  What a freeing statement void of pressure to be what we are not yet. We are not in control – in the secret space we are grown into who we are to be.  
 
While in la Dominica (2007) I saw many butterflies, I like to believe it was God’s secret whisper to me, telling me, Jill, you are becoming and I am in control of the entire process. Before leaving for la Dominica three thoughts remained in my head: come to me you broken one and I will give you rest; spiritual transformation is a mystery – similar to the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly; God calls me beloved before I do any ministry.  
 
Each glimpse of the butterfly was a reminder that my rest, joy and belovedness is coming. I am 
becoming, I am in process. How sweet the Father who tends to my soul, waiting for me to come to 
him. Yet, feeling he is calling me to wait. The paradox of this waiting is so significant to me now. I 
get it. I remain confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait 
for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord, Jill. Psalm 27 
 
Whether I sleep or get up, the seed will sprout and it will grow, though I do not know how. Liberty 
awaits my surrendering to his mysterious invisible power. Without this surrender I am robbed of my 
joy. I keep holding on thinking I control my happiness - trying to connect all the dots, yet I end up 
disheartened, unbalanced and distracted. Joy-less.  

Yet, this is what I saw in la Dominica. JOY. ‘Often it is the people closest to suffering who have the most powerful joy.’ –John Ortberg. 

How true this is. Despite the poverty, the flies, the dirt, and the lack of access – the people of la Dominica knew joy. They weren’t governed by stress, depression and sorrow – they were driven by a hope that resulted in joy. True sin is rampant and STDs plague women and men, drugs rule the machismo of the men, alcohols still kills the pain, sexism exists, yet – those who hope is in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and walk and walk and not be faint. 

While yet again we filled a need this summer through serving those in la Dominica, God filled us each with a new morsel of his goodness. Re-entering into a society with many dependencies will take discipline to remain simple, focused, and dependent, waiting on the delicate gardener of our soul. We are becoming. 

~ becoming, June 2007

photo taken in Los Higos garden

out of the blue.

Perhaps my last post was a bit out of the blue and a bit sporadic. Argh.  A flood of thoughts always engulf me when I hear the song O Holy Night. I can never properly articulate the thoughts and feelings the song evokes in me. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Perhaps it is the intimate mystery that I get to share with our creator. Something that will never be perfectly explained, only lived out in my life. Maybe I should cease my attempts of explanation and heed a life of justice, love and sacrifice! ~ Just maybe.

christmas.

What Christmas means to me. It is the day of remembrance. They day God became visible through his son. His son who came to die, that we might live. He came so that all people would be set free from the bonds oppression. His law is love and his gospel is peace.  The world was bound by error and sin till he appeared and we finally discovered our worth. No longer are we bound by the standards of this world - truly we are loved and called to love one another. The slave is our brother. Therefore, there are people out in our world who are literately bound by the chains of oppression: war, AIDs, child labor, sex trafficking, poverty, addictions, abuse, hate, pain, loneliness, and so much more. That person is our brother - that person should be welcomed to our table. Tonight I was reminded of the vision that I have for life. I confess that in the midst of school, success, performance, finals and papers I lost sight of what really matters. People. People are what really matter. PRESENCE. Not gifts, not grades, not successes and failures, but people. People deserve to live life and live it freely. Well, really we don't deserve anything - but a child has been given unto us...and the government will be on his shoulders. And we will call him WONDERFUL, COUNSELOR, MIGHTY GOD, EVERLASTING FATHER, PRINCE OF PEACE! And so we sing...

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining.

Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!

O night divine, the night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night divine.

Truly he taught us to love one another, 

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother.

And in his name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! The ever, ever praise we.

His power and glory ever more proclaim!

His power and glory ever more proclaim!

welcome.

Welcome. You made it. I have a lot of work to do to get this bad boy up to snuff. Thank you for your patience. I hope to create something new over the Christmas season as I've been inspired by such blogs as www.darlingdexter.com. Check her out. I am happy to have a functional working relationship with a blog host, finally. Okay, I really need to tend to school work at the moment. Before that...

Just a note about the title of my blog. I chose this after watching a documentary on monasticism. It was powerful for both Zach and me. I was reminded of how inundated we are with noise on a daily basis and how hard it is for us to just sit silently and soak up the tunes of life around us. Our senses are becoming desensitized to the wonders (color, sounds, feelings and smells) of our world. So much can happen internally if we were just to sit, silently and be with our self, our thoughts, our dreams and fears - AND the world right in front of us. I fear what will come of our generation and the next due to the ever increasing influence of internet and technology. Our generation gets bored all too easily. Oh my. Please join me by stepping out of the noise and back to relationship with the living world that surrounds us. It truly is a magical place. I leave you with those thoughts for now.  Funny how I am on the internet as I write these thoughts. 

~ oh, the paradox